how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
