My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
