Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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