yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
