This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
im on a boat
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