I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
