Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
