Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
