You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
