guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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