I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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