Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
