It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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