Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
