I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And then he peed in my hair
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