the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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