You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
