I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
