im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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