I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize