On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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