if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
