i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
