please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
