so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
