He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
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