I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
