Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
