you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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