Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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