you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
