I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
