franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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