O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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