And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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