I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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