I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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