well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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