I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
