Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
