i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
