He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize