dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
