I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
