i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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