he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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