You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
