When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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