why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
