This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
