I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
