i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
