Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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