i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize