JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
