So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
