How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
