Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
