She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize