I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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