dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
